Survived //
اطلب العلم من المهد إلى اللحد
“Seek knowledge from cradle to grave”
I broke down during SPM, questioning where did I do wrong? Haven’t I study enough? I thought I was doing my best, but my best wasn’t the best after all. I put on a laugh when I took my result slip from my teachers and had the last group photo with my classmates.. and cried in the car on the way back home.
I was highly determined during my foundation in law. Determined to redeem my academic performance during SPM, determine to prove my grandfather was wrong and that not all legal professions are bad, determine to find my true calling in the said field. I aced all semesters; safe to say my father was so proud, he showed me off in his office.
My degree years didn’t start off as impressive as I hope it would be. It start off as mediocre, and gradually wobbly and then at a point, I felt like giving up once and for all. Degree in law was ruthless, constantly competing and making me questioned my self worth all the time. Stress and anxiety builds up every semester, I had to undergo counselling sessions. It was eating me up every day and I turned away from it and find other escapisms. Numerous times I felt like I’m losing my mind and every inch of my brain cell is rotting away with my break downs for trivial matters.
Should I be doing more? How much more is enough? Was all my hard works not enough? Where did I do wrong? Don’t I belong in here? Is my worth and effort not enough to prove myself that I can? Why was it so hard for me to ace this shit? What did I do wrong? Tell me, was I wrong all this while?
.
But I survived. Regardless of the failed and repeat subject; of my deteriorate mental health; of my numerous breakdowns and lost cause; of my affected academic reputation; I still survived.
I’ve struggled so much for my academic journey; but then again, nothing comes easy in this world. It’s not ‘living the life’, if it’s that easy. Was it hard for me? Yes. Do I have any regrets and resentment? Not at all. Will I pursue this academic journey even further? Maybe. I’ll think about it.
I’ve graduated from law degree on 24th June 2021, at 130PM on Thursday afternoon. You did great, Aliana. I’m so proud of you ❤
